Saturday, April 25, 2009

How To Avoid Acting Like A Psycho Girlfriend

So it's the weekend, and  your boyfriend is doing something shitty.  Go figure.  He could be hitting up some party he didn't invite you to, or won't quit playing WOW, or simply isn't answering any of your text messages.  We've all done the "psycho girlfriend" thing in this scenario at one time or another.  We blow up their inbox with dirty words like "sadistic goat fucker" and "pre-ejaculating moron."  We leave multiple messages in their voice box accusing them of cheating with some grimy skank, or telling them how nasty the skid marks in their boxers are.  We rip up photos of the two of you as a happy couple, and maybe even burn the remains.  We may even physically damage some their property (only to accuse their teenage neighbors if ever asked about it).  

If this is you my friend I want you calm down, count to ten, and follow these simple steps to not be a psycho girlfriend. Maybe he's in the wrong, maybe he's not.  Neither are excuses for this kind of behavior.  Acting crazy only makes him look better.  

1. Take an Ativan.  If you do not have a prescription for Ativan or something similar, take one shot of Nyquil.  

2. Send him one text message and ONLY one text message.  Say something nice lie "I hope you have a good night baby! I miss You."  

3. Do SOMETHING.  Go out with girlfriends, read a book, watch a movie, cross stitch a bunny rabbit, whatever.  Just get your mind off him.  

4.  Take an Ambien.  If you do not have a prescription, take another shot of Nyquil.  

5. Pass the fuck out.

If he's still being a little bitch master in the morning, dump his ass.